“What I wanted was to be myself again….”. Sandra Hochman”
Life has a beginning and an end. In between a lot happens. Writing about it in no specific cronological order seems to make sense as it is not a book that is written in a strict and specific order, it’s life. Sometimes it feels like I am at the end, the end of my tether, sometimes I am at the beginning, beginning of something new, sometimes I am in the middle of nowhere land, and then there are times that it feels like it is the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, and then there are times that I need to bactrack and walk a specific journey again to see whats new.
The journey that I am retaking is the one of being married to a sex addict. A Journey that shaped my life in ways that I was not aware of, past, current and future.
It took 25 years of deceit, lies and manipulation before I was presented with the fact that I am married to a sex addict. It was such a watershed moment, felt surreal as if it wasn’t our life he was talking about. No resemblance of reality was to be found in the major dump of what I was presented with, December 2007 never to be forgotton.
Sex Addiction is not easy to spot when your husband is a good guy. It happens in secret, really it does. When his addiction got unbearable it was dumped on me with no warning, just unserimoniously dumped. Shock, despair, anguish, heartbreak and so much more hit all at once. I was down, trauma is a terrible experience, it leaves long lasting scars physically and mentally. It took a few days to realize that all the years of him making me out to be the crazy one was a smokescreen to hide behind. Did not know about gaslighting then. The signs were always there but the addict is a master liar and the ultimate gas lighter. The signs that I am talking about only becomes clear once you know what the signs were all about. Typical of life, hindsight is perfect sight.
Where am I today 10 years down the line from that. At the begginning, the end, or the in between. Am I myself again, was I ever myself.
Having a sex addict in my life, one that has admitted he is, has changed my life forever. For awhile it was better, it got worse, I hated him, questioned myself, hated him some more and finally decided to focus on the reality of sex addiction and the devastating role it has on society. I have learned to separate the addict I am married to from the person that is the addict. A lot of reading, researching, and soul searching went into this process. I am in the maze and working my way through it.
Along the way I have met some extra ordinary people, sex addicts, partners of sex addicts. I was fortunate to attend some SAA recovery meetings locally and internationally. What I think about SAA, it is outdated and can do with a major overhaul of what recovery really is and should be. Adapted from the 12step program for Alcoholics is not really enough for dealing with Sex Addiction, the recovery rate is so minuscule it speaks for itself. Saying that, I still recommend the 12step program, not as the only solution, it must go together with additional assistance, and not that of a sponsor. If you want to work your way through the maze please don’t choose a sex addict.
Contact me before you jump into the maze called recovery.
I have gone through this.
Help is just a couple of clicks away. Please mail me to set up a share and care session. I cover Johannesburg (and surrounds), Pretoria and Cape Town areas.
Please don’t let the following quote be part of your motto towards recovery, there is far more than that.
“Ah, Sex Addiction. The must have disorder of the Nineties and Noughties, it has everything, sex (obvious), disgrace, contrition, confession, in that order followed by a nice couple of weeks in a cosy clinic waiting out the headlines.”