Life is a maze of living and learning where we can only hope to find our way

For better or worse

What I wanted was to be myself again….”. Sandra Hochman”

Life has a beginning and an end.  In between a lot happens. Writing about it in no specific cronological order seems to make sense as it is not a book that is written in a strict and specific order, it’s life.  Sometimes it feels like I am at the end, the end of my tether, sometimes I am at the beginning, beginning of something new, sometimes I am in the middle of nowhere land, and then there are times that it feels like it is the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, and then there are times that I need to bactrack and walk a specific journey again to see whats new.

The journey that I am retaking  is the one of being married to a sex addict. A Journey that shaped my life in ways that I was not aware of, past, current and future.

It took 25 years of deceit, lies and manipulation before I was presented with the fact that I am married to a sex addict.  It was such a watershed moment,  felt surreal as if it wasn’t our life he was talking about.  No resemblance of reality was to be found in the major dump of what I was presented with,  December 2007 never to be forgotton.

Sex Addiction is not easy to spot when your husband is a good guy. It happens in secret, really it does. When his addiction got unbearable it was dumped on me with no warning, just unserimoniously dumped.  Shock, despair, anguish, heartbreak and so much more hit all at once.  I was down, trauma is a terrible experience, it leaves long lasting scars physically and mentally.  It took a few days to realize that all the years of him making me out to be the crazy one was a smokescreen to hide behind.  Did not know about gaslighting then. The signs were always there but the addict is a master liar and the ultimate gas lighter.  The signs that I am talking about only becomes clear once you know what the signs were all about.  Typical of life, hindsight is perfect sight.

Where am I today 10 years down the line from that.  At the begginning, the end, or the in between.  Am I myself again, was I ever myself.

Having a sex addict in my life, one that has admitted he is, has changed my life forever. For awhile it was better, it got worse, I hated him, questioned myself, hated him some more and finally decided to focus on the reality of sex addiction and the devastating role it has on society. I have learned to separate the addict I am married to from the person that is the addict. A lot of reading, researching, and soul searching went into this process. I am in the maze and working my way through it.

Along the way I have met some extra ordinary people, sex addicts, partners of sex addicts.  I was fortunate to attend some SAA recovery meetings locally and internationally.  What I think about SAA, it is outdated and can do with a major overhaul of what recovery really is and should be.  Adapted from the 12step program for Alcoholics is not really enough for dealing with Sex Addiction, the recovery rate is so minuscule it speaks for itself.  Saying that, I still recommend the 12step program, not as the only solution, it must go together with additional assistance, and not that of a sponsor.  If you want to work your way through the maze please don’t choose a sex addict.

Contact me before you jump into the maze called recovery.

I have gone through this.

Help is just a couple of clicks away. Please mail me to set up a share and care session. I cover Johannesburg (and surrounds), Pretoria and Cape Town areas.

Please don’t let the following quote be part of your motto towards recovery, there is far more than that.
Ah, Sex Addiction. The must have disorder of the Nineties and Noughties, it has everything, sex (obvious), disgrace, contrition, confession, in that order followed by a nice couple of weeks in a cosy clinic waiting out the headlines.”


Know yourself

“The possibility of encountering one’s reality –

Learning about oneself can be frightening and frustrating,

Many people expect to discover the worst,

A hidden fear lies in the fact that they may also discover the best,”

The key to recovery lies in the intimate knowledge of yourself.   For years and years your reality would have been blighted by the daily gas lighting techniques employed by the sex addict in your life. The good thing is it is never to late to take control and be who you really were destined to be.  This experience will help you determine a lot  of what your reality really was.  It will hurt.  You will be disappointed with yourself but you will be stronger.

As this blog progress there will be ups and downs but mostly I hope to share honestly and fairly.

It can be a daunting task getting to know yourself but I will be there to help you keeping your perspective.  The 3 hour care and share will help a lot and fly by so quickly that it feels almost astonishing that you can get a grip on some of your life in such a short time . But you will.

It helps to have another persons opinion and viewpoints  on some of the more complex pieces of information.



Sex addiction and gaslighting

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood . “Marie Curie”

Two complex problems wrapped into one.

What is sex addiction , I will give you one of many explanations.

“Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment.  Like and alcoholic unable to stop drinking, sexual addicts are unable to stop their self -destructive sexual behavior.”

What is  gaslighting.

“Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity.”

Both seems simple enough, but it is far more complex than a couple of words strung together.

Unlike other addictions sex addiction happens in the shadows, it is a silent addiction there is no visible signs. Maybe some nuances of something not being right but that’s about it. The scale of lies and deception is on a grand scale and something you as a wife, partner, child or family member can never be prepared for.   You have definitely experienced these concept in tandem during your relationship with the sex addict.

To figure out what was real and what was all the other stuff.  You need help, not from your addicted partner, his twelve step program his sponsor or his councilor .

The twelve step program is secretive and very forgiving on mishaps almost expecting addicts to have setbacks.  It enables them to remain weak if they choose to  and it all happens in secret only to be shared in the group or with a sponsor.